The Origins of Diminished Self-Esteem

By Dr. Joe Rubino
Creator, http://www.SelfEsteemBook.com

It is clear that lacking self-esteem is a widespread problem, afflicting the vast majority of people everywhere in the world. In fact, our research points to the fact that at least 85 percent of the world’s people suffer from diminished self-esteem in one or more key life areas.

In the life of every child, usually some time between birth and age 6, something happens to have the child doubt himself or herself. Someone says or does something that has the child believe that he or she is flawed, unlovable, not worthy, imperfect. This initial stressful incident is the first real realization that the child is not perfect and fails to measure up to society’s standards in some important way. The initial upset can be one of two types. The first assault could be an unkind word from a peer or authority figure, a spanking, an insult, an argument, an abusive event, a bullying or name-calling episode. It could occur as a direct result of something the child said or did that provoked an attack on his or her sense of worthiness or ability to fit in. In such a case, the child buys into the negative opinion or actions of another. He or she thinks, they are saying this about me or doing this to me because there is something wrong with me. I am different, flawed, unlovable, not worthy, imperfect, or defective in some important way. I don’t belong or fit in. People don’t like me. I’m not good enough. The second type of self-esteem diminishing episode can be as a result of the child misinterpreting someone’s words or actions to mean that the child is flawed, unlovable, or defective in some way. In such a case, no insult or demeaning connotation was intended. The facts were that someone said or did something. The child mistakenly concluded that there was something wrong with him or her as a result of what was said or done. For example, someone said, “I am going home now” and the child interprets that the person is going home because he doesn’t like him or because he’s stupid or boring or doesn’t fit in... or whatever interpretation results in this primary assault to his self-esteem. Perhaps this interpretation makes the child angry. He makes something up about himself − that he is unlovable, possibly. He makes something up about people − perhaps that people are cruel and don’t care. He also makes up something about the world in general − perhaps that the world is a harsh and unforgiving place. He also decides that in order to survive he must be or act a certain way. Perhaps, he decides that to survive, he must be liked and therefore he must please others so that they like him. This decision colors all future events as the child creates more evidence to reinforce his early decisions about himself, others, and the world. With each passing episode, more faulty misinterpretations are created further reinforcing his early decisions and creating more and more evidence that this is just the way things are. For example, he is stupid and boring and people don’t like him and to win the affection and attention of others, he must act a certain way that pleases them.

Daily, there are hundreds of opportunities for a child to misinterpret life in a way that tarnishes his or her self-image over the long term. A common example of such a misinterpretation can occur when parents get divorced. What happened was the adults fell out of love or realized that they wanted to separate. What the child made up was that if she had only been a better girl and did a better job cleaning her room, or picking up her toys, mom and dad wouldn’t have fought so much and would still be together. The child may further make up the conclusion that she is bad and people leave her because of this.

Another example of this sort of faulty reasoning might be an episode where the parents drop off a child for a week with a relative. Perhaps they feel they need a vacation or might need to tend to some business matter and decide that it would be easier for the child to be minded by a sitter. The child makes up that his parents don’t love him and that people want to get rid of him. With this sort of tendency toward faulty interpretation, there are literally thousands of opportunities for the child to attach a meaning to the situation that begins the process of eroding self-esteem.

The process of diminished self-esteem does not stop at such an initial decision regarding the child’s value. The child, armed with the belief that she is not good enough, now scans for additional situations that may serve as more evidence to reinforce this initial thought of being flawed. During such potentially upsetting events, the child reinforces this idea of unworthiness by further interpreting life events to amass proof that she is defective. Her self-image continues to deteriorate further with every episode. Before long, there is no doubt in her mind that there is something wrong with her. After years of accumulating such evidence, her unworthiness, unlovable nature, or flawed self-image appear as certain facts, rather than as interpretations subject to debate or questioning. After all, the child has created a self-fulfilling prophesy to cement these beliefs firmly in her self-perception.

NOTE: For a more detailed explanation of the origins of diminished self-esteem, please refer to “The Self-Esteem Book: The Ultimate Guide to Boost the Most Underrated Ingredient for Success and Happiness” by Dr. Joe Rubino.

Research points to the fact that each child suffers an early assault to his or her self-esteem at a young age, typically between birth and 6 years of age. The child’s initial realization that he or she is imperfect and somehow does not measure up, is flawed, or is not worthy of love, happiness, rich relationships, abundance, and fulfillment comes as a result of this early traumatic episode when the child either buys into the disparaging view of another or creates an interpretation that he or she is defective in some important way, even though no such conclusion was offered or intended by another.

From the time of this early realization forward, the child will scan for situations that reinforce this initial assumption that there is something not good enough about who he or she is intrinsically. Over the years and decades of gathering such evidence and actually creating it as a self-fulfilling prophesy, the child and later the adult develops a certain and unshakable belief in his or her imperfection. Diminished self-esteem and the resulting expectations of failure, struggle, suffering, broken relationships, and hurt are the inevitable result.

For more information on how to build self-esteem, visit http://www.theselfesteembook.com and http://www.highselfesteemkids.com

•8•Joseph S. Rubino, D.M.D.

Dr. Joe Rubino is an internationally acclaimed personal development trainer, life-changing success and life-optimization coach and best-selling author of 12 books available worldwide in 23 languages. He is the CEO of The Center for Personal Reinvention, an organization that has impacted the lives of more than 2 million people through personal and leadership development programs, providing participants with tools to maximize their happiness, self-esteem, communication skills, productivity and personal effectiveness. To subscribe to his complimentary newsletters, learn more about championing your self-esteem, communicating more effectively, life-impacting personal or group coaching, and transformational courses or to read about his books, visit www.CenterForPersonalReinvention.com and http://www.TheSelfEsteemBook.com and http://www.highselfesteemkids.com.

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